Dealing with an angry child

Angry children can create a tense household not controlled. Children are extreme and learn to use anger to get what they want. Teaching children at an early age outburst of anger do not work is important, however some children refuse to surrender regardless of parental efforts. Children often use anger the way the parents model their own anger, so it is important parents set a good example when it comes to dealing with anger.

Children may struggle with anger because of personality traits that lean towards emotional expressions. While we don’t want to prevent them from expressing themselves, we do need to teach them the difference between acceptable expression and unacceptable expressions of emotions.

When a child has trouble keeping their anger under control it is usually a sign of an underlying issue. It is the underlying issue that is in control and the anger is merely a defense mechanism.

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it is a product of a different emotion. When a situation is appears to be a threat to our survival or the success of a plan, we feel out of control. Whether is is fear, humiliation, shame, or worry, life seems out of control. Because we cannot change the threat we often attempt to control it. In this case anger is used as a means to that end.

Anger is often a response to an underlying problem

Often people come to me for help with angry children after trying multiple ways to control the anger in their child. While the anger itself does need to be controlled, it is often the method of trying to take control that fails. Remember when dealing with an angry child we are dealign with a child who feels threatened. When we threaten the child for being angry we may very well be pouring gas on the fire.

Even when we cannot see the threat the child is facing, the child can. The threat can, and often is only a threat to a selfish request of the child, but in their mind it is a legitimate threat. It is also important to remember that children are still learning about themselves, others, God, and how to relate to each one. It is honestly unfair to expect a child to automatically know how to identify and deal with their emotions without guidance. We don’t expect them to automatically understand how to bathe themselves, or clean their room without guidance, but for some reason we expect them to know how to identify and control their emotions without guidance.

Consider if you will how many times you have told your 6 year old how to bathe themselves to no avail. We can teach them 5 nights in a row and left alone on the 6th night they will come out of the bathtub with mud dripping from their arms.

Emotions are so complex even as adults we struggle with understanding and controlling them. The first step in dealign with an angry child is patience.

Educating the child on recognizing their emotions is the second line of defense. After all how can we expect anyone to deal with something they cannot identify? Just like sitting beside the bathtub while your small child learns to clean themselves, we need to sit beside them as they learn to understand their feelings. This takes time and patience. In fact it will also make most of us realize how much we do not know about emotions as well.

The third thing to remember when dealing with an angry child is persistence. Since our goal is educating the child we have to be extremely careful not to confuse them in the process. If a behavior is unacceptable on Saturday morning, it is also unacceptable on Monday afternoon when we are tire. Far too often we fail at parenting because we fail at consistency. People learn from constancy. In case you missed that I will say it again: people learn from consistency. While there may be five ways to get the a grocery store, we can get lost on the way if we try out a new route. When we teach our children about emotions we are dealing with more than one thing. We are dealign with identifying the emotions and it’s cause, but we are also teaching them how to handle them and that is behavioral.

Finally it is important to validate authority. Anger is an attempt to regain control and we must be careful not to give the child that control. The moment we give them control to shut them up, we have taught them that anger works.

Part of understanding how to handle and react to emotions is to remember boundaries. One boundary a no one can cross without consequences, is the boundary of authority. Rules apply to everyone and in every case somebody is in charge. Children cannot ever be led to believe the parent has lost their authority. Understand however this must be done in love and without an attack on the child. Parenting is never a competition for power, it is always a discipleship relationship. The parent must care more about the well being of the child than their own pride etc. Don’t lose your cool! Don’t fight the child! And never lose sight of the goal!

Causes of Childhood Anger

Anxiety

Shame

Sadness

Fear

Guilt

Disappointment

Worry

Embarrassment

Jealousy

Hurt

etc.

When a child acts out in anger they are essentially trying to gain control over one of the above threats. They feel they must protect their agenda and when it is threatened they try to regain control over the “enemy”, with anger.

Never take prolonged childhood anger lightly. Far too many children are being sexually assaulted, emotionally and physically abused by family members, friends, and school mates. It is very common for them to be abused by someone you already trust. Prolonged anger is often the only way a child knows how to cry out for help. Childhood abuse is demonic and NEVER acceptable. Please protect your children, know for sure who you can and cannot trust, and NEVER assume they will be ok. Always, always, always make sure your children are safe.

#God #nature